The Plan
by trollololololol
Summary: Zelda has an ingenious plan to fix her life in fifteen simple steps. According to the books, it should all pan out well. Rated for swearing.


**I didn't necessarily mean for this to be a fanfic... and it's really AU _**

**Please don't hurt me for being so illiterate when it comes to games.**

**Also, I made up her last name to contribute to the story...  
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**Characters belong to their respective owners.  
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√ Get a Job

My day was, to put it delicately, painful as hell. It would be nicer to go jumping into a swimming pool filled to the brim with nails. I would talk about school life, but that's just so cliché and over used that I think everyone knows every possible strange way a school day would go.

But that's just it. My school day was boring. No abnormal students, no obvious bullying, no food fights, not even an awkward conversation between me and the person I love, wait, scratch that out, the person I _like._ There we go. That's better. I'm only in 11th grade, how the hell do I know what love is?

I wish I knew what it was. I wish I knew how to get over it. I wish that _he wasn't so damn cute._

Why does it always have to be the cute, dumb ones. Why does it always have to be the ones I have absolutely no chance of even becoming friends with. Why. Why. _Why._

I mean, he's only _aesthetically pleasing._ But why the hell does my damn heart flutter every time I hear him utter I single phrase directed towards me? Is it because I'm stupid? Is it because I'm extremely shallow? I think it's the stupid thing. My friends always make fun of me for being air-headed and never paying attention.

His hair is the perfect color of my favorite character though! It's almost creepy how exact it is. It's just. It's just. It's just... he is a carbon copy of my favorite character!

I'm not gay. I'm pretty sure that I'm a girl. Except when my manliness would come in. I mean, if we _did_ get together, which is a one in a chance, I would totally top.

And it's not like we're ever seeing each other again, _he lives in New York for the love of god._ Oh wait, for you to understand how devastating that was for me to learn, you should know a bit about me.

My name is Zelda. I'd rather not say my last name, because it's a bit...

"Ms. Imagay! Pay attention!"

I swear I'm not gay. It's just a last name!

"I heard that that Zelda girl is a lesbian prostitute."

"No way! How much do you think it'll cost for her to do a guy?"

"I heard that she slapped a guy when he asked."

See? No open bullying. Just backhanded slaps that barely mean anything. But anyways, I live in the great country of America. I bet that right now, you don't think that's it's a big deal, we live in the same country, we'll see each other again. Let me clarify. I live in California. I hear the little whispers about me everyday at school. I'm not pretty. I'm not beautiful. I'm not cute. I look like a person. That's the best description I have of myself. I don't care much for fashion. I don't care much for studies. I have nothing special about me. I'm just a normal girl, living in a normal world.

I wish my life wasn't normal. I wish I could just jump into a car and drive. But I'm fourteen. I can't drive. I don't know how I will make it there. I don't know where I'll go. Maybe I'll go to New York. That would seem fun. Maybe I would find Link. Maybe I could fall in love. But I know I can't here. I guess I have to start planning.

First, I'll rob a bank. No. That seems too drastic. I'll learn how to drive. And _then _I'll rob a bank. No, wait, I want to run away legally. Ok, checklist so far.

Get a Job.

Learn how to drive.

Don't rob a bank.

Figure out a place to stay at.

Make sure my parents understand my leaving.

Make friends all over and be sure that they would be willing to help you run away.

Optional:

See Link.

Fall in love.

Get my heart dramatically broken.

Bitch nonstop about it for the rest of my life.

Fall in love again.

Realize Link was the only one for me.

Fall in love with him.

Die a traumatizing death.

I think that's a pretty well thought out list. I mean, it has everything that makes a book great.

It's probably going to go all wrong.

First things first, I'm going to get a job. Something simple, but will stack up along the way and I'll be rid of California forever.

I've thought about getting a job at McDonald's or Burger King, but those seem too demeaning. I'd work at my local grocery store, but I overheard people complaining about how the hours suck and the only ray of light is being able to see their friend when they come to get snacks and I don't want to be seeing the friends of the stuck-up little princesses in English. Their constant need for attention and sluttiness annoys the fuck out of me, I'm sure their friends would do the same.

I've decided to work at a local florist shop. It doesn't get that much attention, so not that many annoying people would come in. But, it's big enough that the pay is good and the hours are reasonable. Now that I think of it, Snotty and Prissy were probably just over exaggerating every little detail that didn't go as they thought it would. Oh well, I wouldn't want to work with them as they drone on in their annoying high-pitched voices about who's asking who, who did what, and how much they don't care about anything except fashion, boys, and their whiny dogs that are so small I could drop kick them into oblivion.

So. The florist shop. My job is going to be putting the flowers in pretty arrangements and tending to customers if they have any particular needs.

Wow. That's so interesting.

It's not like my sole purpose in life is doing whatever the hell I want. Oh wait, it _is _that. This is just something that will help me along the way to living a carefree life. Away from the fighting. Away from the "teasing." Away from it all. And I don't mean dying.

I think, I'll probably stay in California for another year or so. Just until I have enough money to leave.

That is, of course, unless something drastic happens.

And, as all books go, something bad always happens.

Thank god my life isn't a book.

If it were, it'd be impeccably boring and impossible to read, and no one would be stupid enough to document it. Instead, they'd probably just use my name and make the entire story up.

Right now, I'm pondering whether or not to let you indulge in my troubles. But my troubles are just like everyone else's. My mother and father are fighting. They're thinking about divorce. I put up a strong face but inside me is turmoil. My father is having an affair with our old-time neighbor, Sabrina. My aunt and uncle only come by to ask me to convince my friends to come with them to a strangely lit building, which I overheard was called a brothel, and I never see my friends again. The few times I've venture into the basement, I saw my dog working at what seemed to be a very sketchy "chemistry" station while my cat wore oversized sunglasses and seemed to talk with a few roughed up street cats that looked like they were desperate for something. Finally, my cat passed them a bag full of what I thought had been white flour. Now I know better. My friends are getting progressively bubblier and jerkier, therefore I can't talk to them about real world issues. I have a hopeless crush on a guy that's across the nation. And, here's the most normal thing about me, there's no one willing to help me.

So now, instead of just giving you background information about myself, why don't I just tell you about the story that follows the checklist.

Today, I got up, took a shower, got dressed, and headed for school without breakfast. I'm not anorexic, I just lack the food to make a proper meal. After that, I arrive at school, go to first period, which is US History, generally fall asleep in class while the teacher lectures the students for not being patriotic enough. Then, I go to second period English where I try to phase out the screeching squeaks that ooze out of Snotty and Prissy's mouths. It never works. I finally have a break where the sweet embrace of Art class holds me as I hopelessly paint a blank canvas. And then lunch. I listen to my "friends" as they go on and on about similar topics that Snotty and Prissy were "discussing," but in a more sophisticated manner. In fourth period, I snooze through statistics and manage to pull a 'B' out of my ass for my report card. Fifth period, what can I say. Blowing things up in Chemistry always catches my attention. Not really the first explosion. But the second one is sure to wake me up. And, finally the nutrition I get in Foods class jolts me awake. Just enough so I have the energy to go to work.

At work, I laze around, waiting for the ding of the bell as some customer swoops in, looking for a promising flower arrangement. Like they know anything about flowers. I mockingly serve the most pretentious of customers with a bouquet of striped carnations, yellow carnations, and orange lilies, which they don't realize means hatred, rejection, and refusal. I see the flowers I give them as a secret way of telling the customers how I feel. They have yet to realize it.

When I get home, I walk in to see my mother in tears. It only takes me a second to realize why she is so devastated. Although I may have known that my father had been having an affair, my mother had not found out. Naturally, it was a shock, but I got over it quickly. I knew that the only reason my father and mother had stayed together was so I wouldn't be traumatized by an early divorce and growing up with out a father or a mother, although, I think it would be less traumatizing than hearing my mother throw vases and glasses at my father while he called her a crazy bitch and stormed out. Then, feigning sleep while my mother staggered in, telling me what a curse I've been and how much better her life would have gone if she had just gotten the abortion.

I ignored my weeping mother and went straight to their room, where I see that my father had already packed and gone through with his running away plans before I could. I have to either leave now, and let my leave cushion my father's leave, seeing as she didn't want either of us in the first place, or stay with her until it's time for me to leave for college.

I'm going to be a rational adult through this and stay calm.

I think it's time for me to learn how to drive.

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**So I hope the first chapter didn't make you want to blow your brains out...**

**I wish I owned all the characters in SSBM _**


End file.
